How To Be A Good Customer

Customers. What we all are one at times regardless if at your local store, strip club or whatever, we all are customers at times in life.
The million dollar question is do you consider yourself a good customer or not ? A lot of you if not all will say yes however to be blunt and not give a fuck but a lot of you are lying to yourself.

Before you click off in anger at me not saying you’re a good customer, you may not realise you’re being a shitey customer but hey there has been times that we’ve all been shitey customers.

What makes a good customer though ?

I’ve never worked in a position where the people you interact with are considered customers until last year where I began working at a ski resort. (I mainly do outdoor education jobs where they’re more guests but still gotta do customer service skills). Two seasons on and a few stories to tell from being in a role filled with customer service that I can honestly tell you what makes a good customer to me is someone who is just friendly and really just doesn’t complain.

It’s really that simple, just be friendly and don’t complain!

I right now of this time I’m writing this piece I work at an ice skating trail and a snow tubing hill as a cashier in a ski resort. With being a cashier I tend to deal with the shite customers pretty face on and have to deal with their grievances (usually unjustifiable grievances) on a daily basis. I like my job and the humans I work with but fuck shitey customers that get me going! I end up spending a long time after dealing with shitey customers wishing awful things upon them such as a lil bit of pain and having to listen to the fucking baby shark song on repeat for 5 hours.

So aye to jump straight into the main point of this article here’s a wee helpful guide on not to be a shitey customer.

LINES

Waiting fucking sucks. I hate waiting, you hate waiting and we all especially hate waiting in lines unless you’re some sort of fucking weirdo who gets aroused by waiting in long lines. However. If you made the choice to stand in a line don’t fucking complain about the wait to the staff! The staff will know it’s a long wait and will be very aware how the line is bigger than your hopes and dreams. Usually if there is a huge line up it obviously means they’re busy – nae shit swankie – but if it’s an external system/there’s a process or waiver then fucking deal with it ya spuds it’s there for a reason.
So aye to be a good customer at any place and there is a line, pipe the fuck down and vent your anger and impatience to someone who gives a shit like your partner or your shoes.
Don’t be sassy and be like ‘I’ve been waiting for 5 minutes and don’t want to wait anymore’.
Don’t be a dick and scream this is insane in a room full of a lot of people cause you’re an impatient fuck and probably put milk in your cup of tea before the hot water ya fucking weirdo.
Most importantly don’t forget no one is making you stand in that line, you made that life choice yourself.

PRICE

In an ideal world everything would be cheap but unfortunately we don’t live in an ideal world and a lot of things are pricey as fuck! Things being pricey as fuck leads to a lot of bitching and don’t you even dare deny that you don’t bitch about prices as we all 100% do it. It’s natural to vent about the cost of things regardless if it’s the price of gas or price to take the poverty wagon (the bus for all who aren’t fluent in the language of shite) and I love a wee bitch about price of things.
However. If you believe the price of a ticket, to do something or whatever it is please don’t vocalise your displeasure to the person selling you the product as vast vast majority of the time that human doesn’t make the price and will know it may be expensive as fuck. Vocalising your displeasure won’t change the price and will just make you seem like an arsehole. If you hate how much something costs vent to someone who actually cares and if you have no one to vent to then well fuck your life.
Where I work at the time of writing the price to go skating is a little pricey considering that in Canada a lot of local ponds and places are free to skate on but it’s the fact it’s a trail through the woods is why it costs a bit. Makes sense why it’s a little pricey. The trail is as quality as that wee notification sound that Apple products make when ya download stuff! What ruffles my jimmies in a non pleasant fashion is when customers come in cutting about in their $500 plus Canada goose jacket and fucking $150 plus blundstone shoes and get all fucking arsey over paying $18.08 (after tax) to go skating. Yep. Cunts that pay $650 plus on a jacket and shoes but are too tight to pay for a fucking quality skating experience. Fuck Canada goose jackets anyway, animal skinning cunts.
Anyhoo to be a good customer when it comes to price don’t throw change at a worker cause your pissed off at the price yet decided your change isn’t good enough for you, which is very demeaning and makes you a massive piece of shit that deserves to kicked in the shins by an army of kickboxing dwarfs.
Don’t storm off shouting ‘I’m not paying that much for this shit’ in front of your small children as that is an awful example to make for your child and will for sure not gain you votes in the dad of the year contest. Is rather funny seeing adults storm off like toddlers that are angry that they couldn’t have ice cream for lunch.
Honestly if you don’t want to pay for something cause it’s pricey just be nice about it, don’t bitch to us as we don’t make the prices and it really doesn’t matter to us if you leave cause you don’t want to pay whatever the cost is.

BEING TOLD NO

No human enjoys being told no unless again you’re some sort of fucking weirdo who’s nipples get hard from being told no. It sucks to be told no regardless of what you are asking for. Being told no interferes with our wants, needs, desires and alters plans.
As much as being told no sucks Its generally a part of life as we know it and at times we just have to accept it. There’s a time and a place to fight against a no ruling. If you’ve been told no based upon a rule at a place then don’t go fighting that as the answer will still be you guessed it NO !
At my work at the time of writing I have to say no more times than a person with IBS farts on a daily basis, it’s brutal. I hate saying no to people as I’m a people pleasure, I hate letting humans down but it’s part of my job so I do what I’m told like a good wee lemming.
Customers however don’t realise workers are saying no for a reason, there more times than not there is a reason behind people saying no. Its not because we’re being difficult or because we feel like dicking on you it’s for a genuine reason or because there’s a fucking rule in place.
The biggest arguments we get with customers is down to ticket sales times. At my work we stop selling tickets one hour prior to close so people don’t get less time for what they paid for and it means we can usher people out the building for when we are closing. Almost on a daily basis we have customers coming late and being told no sorry we can’t sell anymore tickets and at times they kick off and loose their shit.
I have seen many a parent argue, swear and demean people I work with because they got told no. What gets me though is that these parents are being huge hypocrites and are telling their children they can’t always get what they want and not to cry or whine over not getting what they want. Yet they’re acting like 5 year olds with an advanced vocabulary screaming over not being allowed to go skating or tubing because they were late. It’s embarrassing to see. Literally embarrassing seeing a grown man and woman throw a tantrum in-front of their child (kind of funny as well).
Good customers when told they’re late accept it and come back the next day or go somewhere else. Don’t embarrass yourself, kicking off will rarely change things. You’re nothing special as much as your brain and your mum who’s probably a junkie says other wise. Don’t ask if you can still go just for 5 mins or for one shot, it’s still going to be a no. If the train leaves at 7pm and you come at 7:03pm then you’ve fucked it and you’ve missed the train. Same goes for all places, if somewhere closes at 7pm it means it’s closed at 7pm. Not closed at 7pm for everyone except for the privileged family who think they’re gods gift to the world when really they’re cunts who don’t thank people for holding a door for them. People like that are the worst cunts who deserve to have Lego stuck up their noses for a month. Don’t be like them, be a good customer.

In all honesty, if there is a something wrong and it’s justifiable such as a staff member being a dick or something about the product then just be nice and friendly about it. If it’s a big deal then talk to a supervisor or a manager but again be nice about it. If you want to complain about the price or the product and have ideas about how things can be improved submit feedback to the company or ask to talk to a manager to direct you to the right people for that. The plain worker won’t give a shit and will think you’re a fuck face for telling them how things should be run like you’re the most knowledgeable human alive.

Everything I’m saying really just relates back to being a nice good human. Most importantly please don’t demean the people work at where you are a customer at, especially in places such as a fast food restaurant. Just because it’s not a salary job doesn’t mean it’s anything less of a job and the workers are most certainly not below you because we don’t sit in an office all day or fix planes.

Without these workers there would be no service to provide.

Swankie – 23, Scotland. Founder of Loveable Loser.

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