Perks of Being Single

If you have read any of the previous articles here on Loveable Loser you will notice that I, Swank the Wank of Troon, have written them and that I am, well, single as fuck! I’m not going to spend too much time waffling on about how I’m single and all as I’ve done that a lot and I presume you all just want me to shut up about it.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the years focusing on the perks of a relationship and obsessing over relationships, especially when I was a little younger. When you’re single and have never had a relationship before you tend to focus a lot on that side instead of looking at things from a neutral perspective. With being single for almost 23 years I’ve only ever known the single life and as much as it can be shite, there are quite a few perks to being single. So aye, here’s what I find are the biggest perks of being single.


Food is the key to someone’s heart. If someone buys me chips cheese and donner meat or a pizza I’ll want to marry you right there and then. If you want me to do something, bribe me with food and I’ll do it. If you want me to sit down and shut up get me food and I’ll happily do that. You get it, I love food and it’s most certainly the key to my heart. Sharing food in the other hand is a solid no from me. Well not entirely.
I do share food here and there but when I want too. If I’m offering out food it’s because I’m feeling nice and wanting to share food with people. I enjoy giving out food and making people a little happier from it but I live strongly by the ‘don’t ask wait until offered rule’ as I hate feeling like I have to share. When you get asked if someone can have some of what you’re eating, to me I feel like I have to say yes; I feel awkward about saying no especially with big things like a pizza or a burger meal. When you’re single you don’t have to share any food with anyone if you don’t want too. So many people I know who are in a relationship are always sharing food by choice or by one of the couple just eating away at the others food. I’d hate that. If I order a Large pizza from Dominoes and a chocolate lava cake, then I want to be a greedy bastard and eat it all myself. I don’t want to share it and certainly don’t want my partner pillaging my food like they’re a Viking in the 1200’s. My food not yours, get your own ya wank.
When living with your partner you have to think about them as well when cooking or when buying food at your local supermarket. I’ve seen small arguments over food and people eating all of something. I get why but at the same time if I buy a bag of sweets to munch whilst watching TV, I don’t want to come home and see my partner has eat them all. Nothing worse than looking forward to tucking into some comfort munchies and they’ve been eaten. Pisses me off far too much
Getting to be greedy, eating whatever you want whenever you want, and not having to second guess yourself over whether you should share or not is, I feel, one of my biggest perks of being single and It’s glorious.


Big one for me here. I’ve mentioned many a time that I’m a tight bastard. I won’t get into it too much, I just enjoy having money and I get anxiety filled when it comes to spending money. However that’s for another time.
When you’re single your money really goes to you and what you want/need to spend it on. You can spend it whenever you want. It can also be the same when you’re in a relationship if you’re not living together, your money will still go to you. When living together it’s different but I’m not going to go into that. When single and it’s Valentine’s Day you don’t have to spend money on a shitey teddy bear, chocolates or a fancy dinner. You get to buy yourself all the discounted chocolate the next day, quality times. When single you don’t have to buy birthday presents and take your partner out on their birthday. When it’s Christmas you don’t have to buy another Christmas gift, especially when a partner tends to get something rather more on the expensive side.
You get the point. You don’t have to spend on extra things that come with a relationship. Now I enjoy treating people here and there, it’s a fun feeling and I presume you’ll feel the same when ya made your partners day when you surprise them with a new pair of socks or the lamb you sacrificed to Satan in their name. When I feel I have too because of some cooperate bullshit day like Valentine’s Day is (bitter much) I’m meh about it. Being in a relationship affects your saving of money and I’m big on saving the pennies as much as I can, until I see a kebab shop, then I’m fucked!


I am a weak independent fat-ish human with average hair who don’t need no partner, Swankie empowerment wooo! While most of them are true, I’ll let you decide what you think isn’t true (it was the hair, my hair is more on the fantabulous side than average), I quite like my personal independence. Aye I said personal independence before I get chirped over Scottish independence so don’t start yer shite. I really do enjoy my personal independence. I enjoy just having the adult freedom I possess and not being tied down to things. When in a relationship you’ll most likely be tied down to things and I wouldn’t want to not be able to go travel and work in places abroad. I know plenty of people who have had relationship troubles when they’ve been travelling abroad and have had their travels affected by being in a relationship. I don’t want that, I’d want someone to be travelling with me and I certainly wouldn’t want to be stuck in one place because of a relationship.
It’s not always the case and I am a huge believer in distance only being a number. One of my good pals Bon’QuayQuay (obviously not real name) was in a long distance relationship whilst her boyfriend was studying in Italy. Bon’QuayQuay also travelled herself during that time to Japan twice and au-paired as well abroad. Her travels weren’t affected or held back because of her relationship, well as far as I’m aware. It can be possible for sure but I’ve known more cases of partners getting worked up because their other half is away.
Some relationships break down over one partners desire to get away; another pal of mine split up with her boyfriend over her coming back to Canada to work, despite the fact that she went home for 10 months off her 2 year visa, just to be with him.
I enjoy the freedom I have to just travel when I want to and not having to worry about a partner back home and how the relationship will pan out with me travelling and working abroad. Distance is only a number and long distance can work if you put the effort in. I would put the effort in.


A lot of people commonly prefer double beds over a single bed. I on the other hand don’t actually have a preference, I just want to sleep and pretend that I’m dead. I’m not sure why people like double beds over single beds; as long as you can sleep and it’s not like you’re on a bed in prison then that’s all that matters to me.
I don’t sleep well at nights, it takes me a long time to sleep because of my anxiety. It sucks, sleeping is one of my favourite things to do in life. Others have an issue sleeping due to being in a relationship. Sounds weird but hear me out. I know so many people who get so used to sleeping next to someone that when their partner is away for a night or two, they can’t physically sleep. Now I get that as there’s some night where you just want to cuddle something or someone. I’m the same, most nights I’m spooning this wee teddy bear thingy. Some nights I’m not spooning it (It doesn’t have a name, any ideas hit me up) but there’s some nights I’m spooning it for comfort as I just need something to cuddle. Just lost all of my gangster points there but it’s true that I, despite being cold hearted and cynical, need something to spoon. Being with someone would be great for that reason, having a real life physical human life form to spoon and have comfort in. I’ve only spooned once in my life on a trip to Ohio with my summer camp and little spoon is where it’s at.
When I sleep I like to be suffocated by the bed covers (it’s a duvet and anything else is just wrong, I’m just calling it bed covers to save the debate). I like to be just a ball of bed covers. A warm wee toasty marshmallow. Now I’ve been single all my life but I have shared a bed quite a few times with people and I personally don’t actually enjoy it that much. Not for any awkwardness or anything but I hate having to share the covers and not being comfy within them. So many times I’ve shared with people I’ve had the person I’m sharing with steal the majority of covers, and it’s fucking annoying. I need to be indulged in the covers unless it’s hotter than me in a bikini and trust me that’s fucking hot, without that I don’t sleep well. Having to share a bed could be nice I guess but no worth not getting any sleep from covers being maliciously stolen from me by my partner. My nameless teddy bear I spoon is where it’s at, mon that wee squishy thing.

Now there are plenty of other perks of being single as it’s not a bad life. It’s all I’ve ever known so I can’t really comment a huge amount on perks of being with someone, but single life is pretty good. Just don’t rely on other people for your self worth, and appreciate the single life. It can be as quality as when you find money in your jacket pocket.

Swankie – 22, Scotland. Founder of Loveable Loser

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