I’m a hateful bitch. I hate more things than I love. I hate on so many things and if I’m being honest I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. It’s healthy to hate. Can’t have the love without the hate. Most people on the other hand will disagree with a lot of those first lines and that’s ok too, I won’t hate you too much for it.
There’s countless of things I hate such as the colour orange, Scotland not being independent, Brussel sprouts and when arseholes don’t say thank you when you hold the door open for them just to name a few! Being the very cynical earthling I am makes me at times really enjoy hating on things, a hateful rant on something small and stupid can bring some entertainment to others or at least myself.
I remember being bored out of my brains selling ice cream from a cart in Toronto and there was a mad wee chess tournament on right next to where I was positioned. Now I normally wouldn’t choose to watch a chess tournament as I find watching chess equally as boring as listening to your distant relative talk about his door knob collection, but work was more boring so chess won. I being a bit of a bastard noticed a kid who was probably only like 10 years old and had his full name on his bag. Not a shortened version of his name, his full Sunday name. Now there’s nothing wrong with that but from that I just decided to start hating on this kid mentally. Doesn’t sound like the greatest thing I’ve ever done however it wasn’t in a malicious way, I don’t physically hate that child I just started to root against him to pass by the time and have some fun myself. I was going to do the same the next day to the adults in their game but they closed the curtains and took it way more seriously. Side note, the kid was a smart wee bastard and respected his commitment by writing down every move, so aye props to him!
Hating on a child for the sake of passing time whilst bored out of your mind at an ice cream cart is pretty weird and all. Being reminded of that time really got me thinking about the thousands of things I hate and well there are some weird things I hate in my rolodex of hate (thank you Bianca Del Rio, don’t sue me). So here we, here we, here we fucking go with some of the weird things I hate.
BRIGHT COLOURED SOCKS
The colour orange is 100% in my top 20 things I hate. Genuinely can’t stand the colour orange, a little bit of orange and I’m usually like nope get it tae fuck. I like a bit of bright colours here and there as a small detail, very rare I’m in love with something that is very bright. Mainly I’m just a black upon more black type of human. Especially with socks. I hate bright coloured socks. They just irritate me for some reason. I’ve got 1 pair of bright coloured socks and I hate them. I don’t wear them ever. I stick to black socks, all my life I’ve mainly worn black socks as my Mum stopped getting me white socks when I was a small human life form as I’d ruin them so fast. I’d honestly would rather get punched in the stomach repeatedly by a troop of angry garden gnomes than wear bright coloured socks. Bright socks can get tae fuck.
THE ‘OBLIGATORY AIRPORT PINT PHOTO’
Right off the bat I know this one will not be popular amongst readers as the majority of people I know do this, but I just can’t stand it. For those who aren’t from Scotland, England, N.Ireland, Republic of Ireland or Wales you may not be the most familiar with this shiteshow. Basically picture the scene – you’re about to go on a flight somewhere and you’re getting some food and drinks prior to your flight. Now you order an alcoholic beverage, usually a pint as you got to be a mental case to be tanning spirits before a flight. You’re there staring at your pint and you’re like OMG IM GOING TO POST TO THE WORLD A PICTURE OF MY PINT AND CAPTION IT AIRPORT PINT PHOTO (or something like that) GOSH IM SO ORIGINAL AND CREATIVE, EVERYONE WILL LOVE THIS AND NOT THINK IM A WANK. Now yes the last statement may be true as far too many people do this, so I’m aware that I’m actually the wank to most people and you’re no. That’s cool with me. I am Swank The Wank for a reason. I completely get that people are excited to go on a holiday as they don’t travel and most of the time it’s their only time abroad in the year. Be excited, holidays are what most people save up all year for, so they can live it up in a foreign land for a week or two. Convey your excitement on social media, I use my twitter to write all my random thoughts and I convey my excitement over travelling there. Just for the love of pizza don’t be that human. Don’t take a photo of your pint. I’ve seen many a pint in my life, I’m not in the pint judging game but I will just judge you for it. Taking the ‘obligatory airport pint photo’ doesn’t make you original, it doesn’t make you hilarious. It makes you a sheep and not a sexy sheep that gets shagged by weirdos. An annoying sheep who should stop posting photos of their fucking pints in an airport and just do a simple check in or something on Facebook.
Side note apologies to my pals who do this, if you’re not one of my pals and you do this then I’m not sorry. Shame.
SPELLING MY NAME WRONG
In the event of sounding like a hypocrite as I always spell people’s names wrong and I’m actually ok with people spelling Swankie wrong. Swankie isn’t the most common name and doesn’t have a meaning behind it. I get it. ‘Swanky’ however means posh so when I say my name is Swankie in dominos or any place that want a name on the order I usually expect to see Swanky on it or wankie. I get wankie a lot. Not even joking, so many places put wankie on my order. Used to get called it a lot in my school days and picked on for it; now when establishments put wankie on my order I find it hilarious. However when people are messaging me on any form of social media and they still spell my name wrong it infuriates me. I just don’t get how people can see how my name is spelt on the screen and still fuck it up. It’s like being in an exam and having the answer sheet to each question and still failing. You can literally see it in your peripheral vision. If you can’t, you can easily simply look at the top of the screen where names are commonly put on messaging apps so you know who you are messaging. If you spell it wrong not on a messaging app then that’s ok I don’t mind. If you ever need a reminder on how to spell my name it’s S-WANK-IE, won’t forget it now since some of you humans will now have realised I have wank in my name.
In all honesty there is a lot more weird stuff I hate, like I said I hate a lot more things than I love. I found it a struggle to actually pick a few things as I just hate so many things and so many things piss me off. I usually tend to not think much about the weird stuff I hate, when I see something that pisses me off or something that I hate I tend to be reminded of it there and then. Sitting down and thinking about what I hate is actually quite tough. I’ll keep hating, it makes for good articles.
Swankie – 23, Scotland Founder of Loveable Loser