Here we go again, time for more tinder articles. Now it’s been about a year and a half since the last time I attempted to experiment with matches on Tinder, and it’s safe to say the last time didn’t go well. 17 hours was put into tinder and bumble and well it was very disheartening!
This time I changed it up a bit. Originally when I was in Toronto and experimenting with dating apps, I only set it to matching with girls as I wanted to do a two part article but yeah, part two never happened. This time I’m unleashing the bisexuality, which isn’t that hard for me as well I am a bi sexual human, and setting it for everyone! Ohhhh the drama and excitement, the most riveting stuff you guys will read this week. Whilst in Tokyo for a few days, I pulled up the old tinder and started swiping away to see how many matches I can get. With my lack of time in the city and obvious language barrier, I’m not going to focus on the messages. I’m just going to focus on how many people want to match with the not so sexy, sexy Scottish stud that is me, ‘Swank The Wank’.
Tinder has always interested me, especially when travelling. Despite being bitter about my experiences using online dating apps, it’s enjoyable to see how what people do with their profiles differs in various countries. Jumping onto Tokyo Tinder, it was rather unusual compared to western world Tinder. A lot of humans, especially the genetic females, tend to hide their face a lot in their photos. Choosing to either show off what t-shirt they’re wearing, show from the lips down, cover their face with an emoji or simply blur it out or post a photo of their animal. It’s a bit of a strange comparison to the Tinder I’m used to of quality selfies or showing off their assets.
At times it felt like I was on some weird Pinterest dating app, with the sheer amount of people whose pictures are just of food. Now I love food more than Grandmas love the crosswords in the news paper, but I don’t really want to be going on a date with an item of food. I already do that, except privately where I can cry about how lonely I am and swallow my feelings in food. Plus wouldn’t taking a bowl of ramen to a ramen restaurant be a form of severe trauma or cannibalism for the poor wee ramen? I just don’t get it, why would you put food up as your pictures on Tinder and give people the absolute fear that you’re a big catfish. Unless your photo is of a catfish then it’ll be all good. Anyone who put a photo of food on their profile just got swiped left on. Again, I love food but I’m not a mad weird human who shags food, just a comfort eater. I would shag a pizza though.
For those who aren’t familiar with Tinder, on the free version you have a limited amount of swipes right and when you run out you’re stuck waiting for 12 hours. Unless you fancy paying for tinder but who wants to pay to get rejected. With a limited time frame and a limited amount of swipes, there were only two rounds of swiping to be done so no wrist pain for me, yay.
With online dating apps I tend to have low expectations due to past experiences and being the CEO of the ‘Unattractive Kool Kids Krew Members on Tinder’ company. If anyone was to match with me I’d be pleasantly surprised as with the language barrier and not being Japanese may be a bit of a hindrance to a lot of people. However with Tokyo having a population over 9 million, the odds were in my favour to at least get a couple of people with no standards and match with me.
Cue some celebratory music, get the floats ready for the parade and get the kebabs out as your human got some matches. I will only like to be referred as the bi sexual Hugh Hefner or just Swankie Hefner as I’m a fucking icon now. Round 1 of swipes produced 14 boys that I matched with, who either have no standards or are just rather visually impaired. No female matches which is unfortunate but I’m pleased with the results. To break it down a bit more. 13 were Japanese and 1 was a western guy but have no idea where from, who is apparently is over 7,000km away from me so maybe Tinder just thought I was still in Bali briefly. Overall, round 1 I’d say was successful and filled me with a little bit of optimism going into round 2. Maybe I’d even get a genetic female that will match with me, miracles could happen!
So the dream of a girl matching with me died rather quickly. Not a single girl match which sucks and is a bit disheartening. However 6 boy matches were made which lifted my spirits up. Round 2 was not as successful as round 1, seemed to have lost a lot of steam and need to work on the cardio. 5 out of the 6 matches were Japanese with one Aussie breaking the mould. In overall I would still say that round 2 was a success. Yes not as many matches as round 1 but still rather pleased about 6 matches, bringing the final total up to 20. Swankie Hefner is here at your service.
To conclude the 24 hours on tinder in Tokyo. It generally went way better than when in Toronto as over three times the matches. However it’s only really shown me that girls don’t like me and the boys I matched with must be visually impaired and/or have a fetish for fat Scottish people who have wank in their name. I guess when you’re in a city with a huge population, you have better odds of getting a match regardless of how shite you look. If I can get some matches then fuck, so can you all.
Swankie – 23, Scotland. Founder of Loveable Loser