24 Hours on Tinder: St Petersburg

Brace yourselves at home, Tinder passport is here for free during the month of April and girl it is a ride! We’ve already used to it experience the dating app life in Toronto, Ontario, Canada and you know that we’re going to keep virtually travelling the world to try and find some love. Or in reality just get rejected worldwide and be too much of a shitebag to talk to the few matches.

So I, Swankie of Loveable Loser, and part time Tiny Tim impersonator at your local pub that smells like the owner hides bodies under the floor, has travelled to the land of borsch and vodka and virtually located themselves in St Petersburg, Russia. 

Russia as we all are aware is a world powerhouse famous for its Vodka, its politics and its national sport of beating up the gays and the queers. Famous for many other things also, Russia is a genuinely intriguing nation, however it’s the treatment of LGBTQ people and their lack of rights in the country that intrigues me the most. Now obviously being up the gays and the queers as a sport is clearly a joke (it’s not a sport it’s a beloved hobby), it’s something that genuinely happens on the regular for many queer humans. 

Russia as a whole has the same tolerance for gays that wehave for those wee arseholes who play their shitey tunes out loud on public transport, in other words tolerance is very, verylow. In 2013 a highly controversial law was implemented -‘The Gay Propaganda Law’ – effectively banning the promotion of materials and information to children that aren’t of ‘traditional family values’. Anything queer doesn’t fall into those values. This law is extremely broad and has lead to waymore damaging things than just not being allowed to have a poster about LGBTQ rights. This shambles of a law has meant mental health specialists are unable to offer honest counselling and give their full accurate support, in case theybreach the law. This is an absolute fuckery with mental health struggles being rampant throughout the queer community, especially amongst the queer youth. 

The law literally clamps down upon the queer community and opens the doors to antigay groups who hunt down gay people, predominantly men due to the masculinity complex and tough nature of Russian men, and get away with assaults and humiliating acts upon their victims after luring them in.Honestly, watch some documentaries on these groups and the things they do to their victims will sicken you. Yet despite these groups desire to humiliate, assault and out people to their peers (which can lead to an array of consequencesincluding losing their job), there is still a bit of a gay scene in the two major cities of Moscow and St Petersburg. As underground as it may be there it still exists and with Tindersmessage of caution and carefulness when netting people with the same orientation as me in this location, I set off on 24 hours of Tinder swiping in St Petersburg, Russia. 

Typically on my bio I mention my bisexuality and my fluidity, however with Tinders caution I took it out and went to town swiping away from the comfort of my uncomfortable hostel bed in Hiroshima, Japan without it. 

Going into round 1 I really had no idea what to expect. It’s a common trend in this Tinder series, I don’t get any female matches as women can’t handle my massive sexy weenus and very few men can only just about hand it! Hence my small amount of matches and all of them male, it’s a tough life being sexy isn’t it Joe Ezzi? With the underground nature of the LGBTQ life and people being much more closed I expected to see less guys on there and couldn’t even tell you how many matches I expected. Round 1 produced 3 guys and 0 girls which hey, I would happily take!

From that first round of swiping I really learned that oh my god are there hundreds upon hundreds of incredibly beautiful women in St Petersburg within the ages of 18-26, breathtakingly beautiful. There’s some nice guys out there but oh my god the women are so beautiful. Overall there were more guys out there than anticipated but in the back of my mind I was thinking how many of them could potentially be deadly catfishes that are used to lure me into meeting them, resulting in my humiliation and assault. It’s so sad to say and such a shame for all the queers, male or female, in Russia that even I as a westerner from Scotland lying in my burger and fries print underwear in Japan who’s never going to meet these people is thinking that. Can only imagine the daily struggle for any Russians. 

Regardless of those thoughts, Round 2 of swiping needed to be done and girl was it a surprise. On Tuesday April 14th in the year of Corona 2020, it must have been ‘national drink get so wrecked on Vodka you think that a fat Scottish person who can only be described as God’s (if he was real) biggest mistake since the creation of Beetroot’ was lovely!Remarkably I managed to get 20 matches. Yes you hear that all 12 people who actually read Loveable Loser on the regular, 20 mother Russian matches! An incredible round of Tinder that may or may not have lead me to beg my Mum to ship me out to St Petersburg in a box that says ‘warning sex god’ on it, with a lovely fragile sticker too.

Despite the 14th of April being that day of being paralytically drunk, I would like to petition for it be a universal holiday named Sexy Swankie Day, or Miracle Day, as the miracle happened … WE GOT A FUCKING MATCH WITH A GIRL! Break out your party hats, your confetti, force your Uncles to dress as a clown and throw a massive party, the miracle happened, a girl liked me and not just any girl but a severely stunning Russian girl – time to celebrate! 

St Petersburg was a resounding success. A total of 22 guys had fallen for me and one girl, yes again a real life woman with a vagina and all those genetic woman features that I’m unaware of. I think we may have reached the peak in this Tinder across the world series but stay tuned for some more swiping and see where I’m virtually off to next! I’m away to go thank that girl via google translate and pick out what colour scheme we’re having at the wedding. 

Swankie – 23, Scotland. Loveable Loser.

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