Two and a bit years ago an incredible article entitled ‘Single As Fuck’ was written by an incredible person who just so happens to have wank in their name, and was subsequently produced and spread out to the masses – or maybe 20 odd people in reality! Regardless, it was an article that actually changed the course of what that person wanted to do in life and has a bit of a sentimental value to them. Yet with it all being about a theme of being lonely and having a love life as existent as a pink Unicorn wearing a kilt and shooting haggis out its arse, there has to be a follow up right? There has to be an update? We all want to know what happened to that peculiar but very sexy human!
You’re all in luck as I, Swankie of Ayrshire, Scotland – the person who fortunately has wank in their name and obviously wrote ‘Single As Fuck’, is here to provide the update as Morgan Freeman was too busy washing his hair to fill in and give the people what they want.
Two and a bit years feels just like yesterday and a lot has changed for me personally, which I won’t get too much into detail about but in that time I’ve came out not so publicly as Pansexual (google it, I’m not sexually attracted to pans and no I don’t get hard in the kitchenware section of Home and Hardware unless the rolling pins are about) and gender fluid. I’m still bouncing around the world doing this life thing half arsedly, but with a bit different outlook on things except for on the matter of the colour orange, I still fucking hate that colour.
The one thing that has remained a huge constant though, is that I’m still single as fuck.
Yes that is correct, my love life is still non existent but I’m actually very ok with that, to the point where you can say I’m actually very content or even maybe even quite happy about it. I’m happy to be single, mainly for all the perks you get when you sign up for premium single life package and also not having to share food with someone else when I don’t want too (which is all the time may I add).
It all stems from one thing; I’ve learned to not value myself by what someone else thinks. A very surprising thing for a person who has a lot of depression and high anxiety issues to say, but it’s true, I’ve gotten to a point where I’ve realised I have to value myself within myself and not by what someone else thinks. Someone else’s opinions can’t make me happy and won’t make me feel whole, it’ll all come within and from me, the person with wank in their name.
Now before the party starts and one of my best best friends Amelia throws me a parade for saying something incredibly positive; I still don’t value myself and I still don’t love myself. However I know that being with someone isn’t going to help me to value myself, in fact it’s going to actually be more of a detriment to me than Boris Johnson is a detriment to humanity. It’s a conclusion I’ve managed to get to by seeing people I’m close too, including family members, only value themselves when they’re with someone, which is painful to see.
A lot of people I know just have to be with someone and cannot fathom being alone, they’re constantly jumping from relationship to relationship as being on their own makes them feel less valued or wanted. One person I know extremely well even changes who they are as a person, their interests and even at times their values, all for another person as they need that self validation and not to be alone. So much so that they’ll do almost anything to have someone like them and be with them, except be their true selves, when people will like them for them and not for the fact they pretend they like diving or South African music. Their value is in this ideology of love and having that soul mate who’ll make everything better and all problems fly away to Zimbabwe. Their happiness is primarily around being with someone else, and only they can change that.
You may be like me and not value yourself, but you have to know you are not someone else, you are you and you are your own form of happiness and you can’t value yourself purely within someone else’s love.
All of this has led me to where I am today, sitting in my bed next to my cuddly toy called Fridge, typing away in the early hours of the morning alone and content with that. I’m now not actively seeking this relationship thing at all, I’m still happily a virgin with no desire to go shag anything, even you Jason Mamoa you handsome bastard, and I’ve still never kissed anyone. Some days being lonely can get to me as I do have the desire to love and be loved by someone more than just the compadres closest to me. But if one day all these things happens then that’s lovely, however seeing 100 countries and being a successful freelance writer is lovelier.
Swankie – 24, Scotland. Loveable Loser.