For our next instalment of 24 Hours on Tinder we come from the most exotic location known to humankind, the location filled with the sexiest people and the location where dreams go to die, Troon, South Ayrshire, Scotland! The original plan for our next instalment was to bring you 24 Hours on Tinder Istanbul, but bad luck and the universe giving me the old middle finger (you can read all about it here Worst Travel Day) we’re having to come to you from my hometown, Troon.
If you aren’t fans of golf and don’t enjoy watching the riveting sight of old rich men and women hit a small ball across smoothly cut grass for hours, then you most likely don’t know where Troon is. Troon is a small coastal beach town famous for golf, for the beach where Glaswegians go to fight and get drunk in the summer, and apparently for being posh, which when you look at me you think ‘how did someone that sexy but poor be from a posh place’. With Troon only having a population of just over 14,500 (2012 census), the number of people wanting a slice of the hunky sliced ham with B cup moobs will be a lot lower than in previous instalments such as St Petersburg, El Salvador and Tokyo.
With the low numbers of potential marriages to come from my Tinder swipes, the location was set to encompass pretty much the whole region of South Ayrshire and a few places in East and North Ayrshire, but not far enough to cover Glasgow as that’s a different episode. With everything set, and profile updated a little bit, round 1 of swiping began.
From the get go I had this theory of it going to be much harder than it was in places such as Puebla, where I had the most success, purely because in other countries being a foreigner and looking different from what the majority of people do makes you seem exotic and more interesting. Whereas in Scotland I’m just another one of those weird as fuck looking people and not that special even with having wank in my name, regardless, we move and used all the swipes up. Round 1 came out better than what I thought with a reasonable amount of matches – a total of 8 guys and 0 girls (actually matched with 1 female but turned out they were a bot advertising happy ending massages). The biggest surprise from it all was not seeing anyone I knew or recognised from somewhere, popping up to swiftly not match with as they already know how out of this world my personality is and that I’m a bigger catch than Moby Dick with a fishing rod.
Round 2 of swiping managed to provide 5 male matches and 0 female matches, which is the usual standard here on the 24 Hours on Tinder series, however, with Tinder providing a significant amount more females than males it felt like it was a personal attack to try to humble me. Day 2 did provide sight of a couple of people I recognised, one being one of my best pals Nicola whom is a massive catch, so much so that I even super liked her, and I didn’t get liked back (I thought we were close pals Nicola, am heartbroken).
Overall there may be less queer folk in Ayrshire and for some reason girls still never want to match with me, despite my ridiculously sexy legs, my weird face and my personality that spans over time zones, however 24 Hours on Tinder in my hometown was a raging success for my standards. Toast a glass of Irn Bru or a can of Strongbow Dark Fruit in honour of my successes on the old Tinder, and read some more articles here on Loveable Loser!
Swankie – 24, Scotland. Loveable Loser. Can follow one of my best pals Nicola on Instagram @nicolamcilvaney , she’s fab!