Let’s just start off by being blunt, we are nothing without our friends. Our friends mean more to us than almost everything. It’s been said many times that we need people to survive and that statement is more accurate than an Olympic clay pigeon shooters shot.
We need friends to survive. We need to have friends we can confide in. We need to have friends who we can truly be ourselves around. You get the point, friends are hospital workers during a pandemic level of essential. We all have friends, unless you’re that deranged psycho who believes friends are people you eat on a bi-monthly basis.
One thing a lot of us have is a best friend. The person who is the C-3PO to R2D2, the grease to the McDonald’s burger and the condom to the willy. Our best friend is typically in our top 3 most significant people in our lives, typically behind a family member or Blow Up Betty/Inflatable Ian. Our best friend is someone we can’t imagine not having in our lives. The thought of not having them around throughout our journey along this rollercoaster that is life (please don’t sue me Ronan Keating) is a thought as pleasant as receiving a tax notice stating that you owe $5,000 and your fave dress to the government.
Thankfully this thought doesn’t creep into our minds all that often; very very rarely in fact, which is why if the day comes that they do leave our lives we find it difficult to cope with. It’s essentially the same as a romantic relationship ending and has a very similar emotional journey.
For me, the emotional journey after losing a friend is something I really don’t handle well at all. Initially when I know that friendship is done I get the good old hollowing sick feeling where you just feel empty inside, the most comparable feeling is the feeling of when your fave sports team loses in a heartbreaking fashion in the championship game. Just sheer misery and emptiness. Yet usually a couple of days after that I snap completely out of the misery and just plug away like nothing has happened, until a few weeks to a month passes by where I just miss them a fuck tonne. That feeling of having a void leads me to apologising, trying to reconcile and basically send a long heartfelt message which tends to get dismissed faster than an ugly guy gets dismissed by the popular girl in any American high school tv show.
It really stems from how highly I value friendship and the people I hold closest to wherever my heart lays under the layers of lard it’s engulfed by. Friendship is something I value so much in life that losing a significant friendship really gets to me. Even if I’m not in the wrong or the reason why the friendship has ended, I’ll be the first to apologise, I’ll bite the not so tasty bullet and be the first to pop up begging to be pals again. I just have this huge anxiety about losing friends that I do so much to try to keep them about, even if I end up being the annoyingly clingy friend. My ability to cling onto someone as if I’m a load of Sticky Willy (the plants not a penis ya dirties) has even caused me to lose friends along the way as I get a bit too much to deal with, which is understandable as I’m a very complex person and the allure of my sexy legs will eventually fade.
My clingyness derives from the time when I moved schools for the first time when I was 12 and faded away from my childhood best friend Adam. Adam and I were synonymous with each other during primary school and our gradual fade started in high school for the one year we went to the same high school. Generally that’s the case when you go to high school and are meeting people out-with the familiar faces you went to primary (elementary for the North American’s) with, but it was when I moved that we really drifted apart.
After this happened and I had some friends at this new school I started to feel a lot more lost and my friends at the time weren’t really substantial friends except for one person, that upon moving again I drifted from. I thought I had friends in this group of people I hung about with at the weekends in Ayr but turns out they weren’t really friends, didn’t like me too much or treat me that well. I was that annoying person who wouldn’t go away. For a period of time I didn’t really have friends, I had people I spoke to at school and that was it. Eventually I gained friends again but didn’t have that one (or more) best friend that meant the world to me until I was 15/16 where I randomly befriended this girl who left such an impact on me that I wouldn’t be here typing these words about friendship of it wasn’t for her.
She was the brightest spark in my life at a time when everything was really dark. Not a day would go by where we would not speak whether it was a text or a call, our conversations never really seemed to end. They may have lived down in the midlands of England but they were the best thing in my life at that time. The few times we got to see each other in person were the best times for me, surprising her at Hockey Playoff weekend making her cry was the absolute highlight for me. Don’t get me wrong there were rocky waves and times we had arguments, like everything it’s not always sunshine’s, rainbows, unicorns and Norwegian black metal, but just before I was 19 suddenly we didn’t speak anymore and I was blocked on all social media platforms with no idea why I was suddenly no longer an entity to her. It broke me, in fact it still has some lasting affects on me hence this article.
I still long for that friendship back, even with the countless of friends and significant friendships I have, I still have this void that I’m longing for. I’ve said a lot the past few years that if someone makes you feel less miserable when you’re at your worst, you never let them go and this is the case. Despite it being almost 6 years since we last had any contact and we’re both adults now, I’m still trying to reach out to be friends again, even messaging her Mum in the hopes of reconciling this friendship.
So in the unlikely event you’re reading this Kelsey, it would mean a lot if you could drop us a message, I would love to reconcile, or try to at least.
Alexa, play Hunstanton Pier – Deaf Havana.
Swankie – 24, Scotland. Loveable Loser.
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